Thursday, March 10, 2005
why am i posting anyway.
just a pile of gibberish.
just pasting whatever that came across my mind while i was coming back from piano.
oh fuck.
i seriously suck in everything i do.
i cant play the piano.
i cant draw
i'm poor
i cant sing
i cant dance
i cant talk
my vocabulary's like a small dot
i have no creativity
ive no talent
i suck in sports
i mgiht as wlel just end all these.
i was standing at the traffic junction.
then i thought, should i just walk to the center and see what happens to the traffic.
or is it that what would happen to me.
charged by the cars, would i still be standing there.
would i feel any pain.
what would it be like.
but then, i might not die.
then all the pain would have been wasted.
then the lights went green.
i walked.
what about other methods.
pills. when i'm old. or to be freezed to death.
burned to death. jump.
but i cant really do all of that.
i hate the pressure when jumping.
ive lost all my motivation.
there's hardly any reason for me to continue.
are we just working machines.
or studying machines.
or whatever-role-we-are-playinig machine.
or what, a new fucking machine.
seriously i have no idea why im repeating everything that passed my mind earlier.
then pete sms-ed.
i replied.
i walked on.
under the carpark.
a black cat crossed my path.
hmph.
what bad things could possibly happen to me.
parents both mad at home.
dad with a farking mood.
mum coming back screaming.
sis coming back scolding me for not doing the right thing she askled me to do.
dog faeces not done.
bro coming back scolding me for no absolute reason.
i might as well just farking die.
crossed the road.
there.
it was the oppotunity.
the lights shone across.
just abit more.
abit...
dammit.
why didnt i move.
maybe i'm just coward.
but i'm so tired.
but why am i tired,
i didnt do anything strenuous.
or is this just my true self.
but i dont feel real.
it must be another excuse ive made up.
to escape.
there, another excuse.
im just lying to myself.
another.
fuck.
cant be bothered.
dragging my feet through out the whole walk.
fuck the sentence's so cliche.
why am i bothering anyway.
should i just break into a fall.
tumble.
lie there and rot.
this place's such a world of decay, sorrow, pathetic-ness, inferior.
fuck. i cant think anymore.
my stomach's rumbling and im not hungry.
maybe its the immunity
ha.
a new way to end.
soon holes will appear
then ill just hold everything
then itll eventually digest through my body skin
ha.
ha.
im jsut starving myself.
hoping it to happen
but whats it.
i dont know either
just waiting for it to happen
maybe for it that we are all ninjas.
but i suck in all sports, and everything
then id probably be a lousy one.
15 and still stuck in the academy.
shurikens hit the ground instead of the trees
punching into air when the tree is beside me
sprinting whilst the others all jog faster than me
there i just suck dont i
nothing is ever right
i cant study
i cant do anything
nothing i do is coherent
bah.
fuck im out.
express yourself {9:35 PM}
Sunday, March 06, 2005
bah.
whats wrong with me.
I keep forgetting everthing that I wanted to do.
lame.
ahh.
seriously, I see no value in typing all these.
feeling so unreal,
feeling barely there.
I dont feel myself.
maybe I'm just thinking too much,
creeping myself out.
I dont know who or what is my real self.
I'm flunking all my tests
flunked lit.
flunked everything.
I should just go and die.
I dont know what I'm doing.
someone guide me back to the path...
I need a light.
its too dark for me to see.
I'm falling, and standing, yet falling again.
bruised.
or am I jsut thinking too much,
imagining the pain and suffering.
self-inflicting them.
bah.
I'm out.
the darned homework are calling to me.
express yourself {9:45 PM}
